Introspection on recent events

I'll try and stay as I am, stay awake,
But it's hard, it's hard to go on,
When you know there's nothing to fall back on, no other road to take,
Nothing to push me but desperation, I'm repulsed more than I am drawn.

So, will you save me from this,
My hell, where I feel fear,
So acute, so painful, so oppressive, so visceral,
Help me, for I am still rudderless, help me steer.

Because I drift on the open seas,
Like a nomad, who travels because he likes to,
Not because he has to for his woman or his children or kin,
But maybe all that has changed now, changed for the better, changed for true.

Then why does it not feel like it should feel,
Why does it not feel true, feel safe, feel strong,
And yet there does not seem like anything is wrong,
Everywhere, everyone, dancing to the same beats, singing the same song

Or is that the reason, and am I too much of a rebel?
Or am I clear, like so many aren't, like so many believe,
Like so many robots, so many assembly piece products,
Churned out everyday, everywhere, in front of everyone, like it's all falling out,
Like there's a huge gaping hole in the sieve.

And every one falling in the same place, doing the same thing,
Having the same life, marrying the same wife,
spanking the same children, ignoring the same parents,
coveting the same fantasies, suffering the same strife,

Order, even in the most disordered life,
Conformation, in the most free-flowing souls, souls almost impossible to breach
Because everyone has a plan, and eveyone follows it,
And the one's who don't are rare, and put down,
Or raised to a pedestal that no one realistically aspires to reach.

Forgive me my little preachings,
I know they are pretentious and arrogant,
And I know a lot of, make that almost all, of what I say is non-sense
So don't heed my words, I'm a bit bitter, and I am a bit tired,
Rest assured, even if you have read this, nothing I say is sacrosanct.