For you

Only for you,

I climb onto the sun,

And make every ray just a bit more pretty,

As it shines for you,

Only for you.

Only for you,

I hold onto the clouds,

And squeeze out every drop of happiness inside,

And make them fall for you,

Only for you.

Only for you,

I argue with sounds,

And bargain for every one of them to be your melody,

As music flows for you,

Only for you.

Only for you,

I pray to your gods,

And wish to have faith in whatever you do,

As I believe for you,

Only for you.

Only for you,

I read about the past,

And fight for a future all of our own,

As time adjusts itself for you,

Only for you.

Only for you,

I look at the world,

And realise the darkness that it is saved from,

As light shines for you,

Only for you.

Only for you,

I live my life,

And take every breath to breathe in your scent,

As I exist for you,

Only for you.

My first post and completed poem (well if you could call it that) after I got my first job. Inspired in part by the really beautiful lyrics to Tere Liye by Gulzar (even though this isn't fit to lick the boots of that song, just seemed wrong if I didn't give credit)

Whispers I

How is it that I have so much to say to you,

And no way to say it once I see you?

How is it that my eyes search for you everywhere,

But when they find you they're unable to stare?

How is it that you are so beautiful to me,

And this I can never truly make you see?

How are you so intelligent and perceptive,

Yet so oblivious and ignorant to how I feel?

I have reached a nadir, I think. Of just posting anything that comes to mind. But meh.

Shallow Gods

The story of this world, this life,

Can be told and explained in a few simple lines,

The day you're born, they make you sign,

"What's yours is mine, what's mine is mine."

The rest of this farce plays out in one way,
It keeps getting clearer with each passing day,
It's pretty obvious, I do have to say,
Everyone is bloody selfish in their own bloody way,

It becomes your duty to do their jobs,
If you refuse, you'll drown in their sobs,
Hurtling to their quicksands of grievances,
Crucified by their one man mobs.

Gods of their own shallow worlds,
Their fiefdoms of false self worth and pride,
Be shameful heretic, if you think to fight,
Be grateful mortal when you're on their side.

No Hard Feelings

Look at me once, look at me now,
Stop, smile, wait, and decide how,
How you feel about me,
How you want me to be,
I'll break every barrier, and swim every sea,
I'll change for you, no one to stop me, no force,
Whatever you decide, I'm yours, I'm yours, I'm yours,

I stayed up so many nights for you,
Wasting away in the dark, finding new things to do,
To get through your defences, these walls you've built around,
Your friends, your prejudices, your likes, your dislikes, your sight and sound,
For you I made myself better, without you I'm lost, one look and I'm found,
I wait on your every word, every move, every laugh , every sigh,
With every smile I die a thousand deaths, I die, I die.

And I knew
From the first smile, I knew
That I'll bow down to you,
And your tyrant eyes,
Make me laugh when they do,
Make me cry when they do,
I've become a slave to your eyes,
A puppet to your smile
I knew
From the first look and the first words,
I was over,
I was sentenced,
I was damned.

And when you refused, I was lost,
I met the wall I couldn't have crossed,
Everything so unimportant and bleak,
I can't have you, loneliness I seek,
And I wasted away in the dark for weeks,
But then I realize, maybe you're not worth the strife,
And I don't know if you know, but I'll survive, I'll survive.

Dying

Your voice fades and I feel nothing,

The world seems to wait for me to react,

But all that I have for them now is exhaustion,

So tired of putting up with this act.

Wistful whispers of happy memories surface,

Then drown again in swamps of indifferent haze,

They cry out for me to hold them close,

But I watch them die in a cruel daze.

You are no one to me now, nothing,

A vestigial part, dead, cut off, discarded,

A goddess once, beautiful, mighty, pure,

Now an uncomfortable evil I have warded.

Leave me now, let go of my hand,

Your touch washes off me like sand,

Our love songs sound like dirges now,

Played by ghosts and funeral bands.

Red Eyes

These red eyes I've been given,

They only see the truth,

They look through the bullshit and deception,

They look through the smiles,

They look through the saccharine sorrow,

They just stare through the wiles.

These red eyes I've been given,

As a gift for my naivete,

A gift for my fucked up morals,

They tear through my misconceptions,
They stare past my self-illusions,

These red eyes I've been given,
They tell me what is,
And not what I want,
They show me what lives,
And also those that can't,
These red eyes I have now,
They point me in the direction,
Of transparency and justice,
They tell me now to go to places,
Where lies are out of practice.

These red eyes I've been given,
They look through you now,

These red eyes I've been given,
They no longer wonder how,

These red eyes I've been given,
Even see things you won't allow.

Black

As I gaze into the black,

It is as if I have lost sight,

I wonder if the night defines you,

Or do your eyes define the night.

I touch your oceans of hair,

And time seems to stop,

I plunge into their depths and then,

I drown in every drop.

I see the world as you do now,

Bright colours and happy shades,

Until I look at you standing there,

And then everything except you fades.

Perhaps an illusion, the only thing I know,

Is that for my drowning eyes, you are the shore,

I could keep watching you now,

And continue for an eternity more.

Infinite

The world is so big, love,

So big we can go on forever,

The world is so cruel, love,

So cruel we will never reach the end.

All we have is so little, love,

All we have is you and me,

All we have is so much, love,

All we have is what lets us be.

Do you need the world to know, love?

Do you need the world to see?

Do we spend eternity together, love?

Do we part ways to be free?

What do I say to you now, love?

What do I say to change our life?

What if my words could change the world, love?

What if sadness disappeared and joy was rife?

Words mean nothing to me now, love,

They seem hollow and untrue,

Wish for my happiness now, love,

And all my happiness is you.

Insomnia

I don't remember sleeping anymore,

The world just turns off and then on again,

I keep wandering through any open door,

Walking on that deserted lane.

I don't remember thinking anymore

Questions of what if and what not,

The days pass by and I keep chasing,

With oblivion, I have cast my lot.

I don't remember searching anymore,

For joy or pain, love or hate,

I don't now have any desire to soar,

Just drift on the gentle gusts of my fate.

I don't remember hoping anymore,

Hope is for people with expectations,

All I have in place now is a rot in my core,

An absolute emptiness and strange infestations.

I don't remember living anymore,

I have seen life, all I have is imitation,

Nothing helps, not money, drugs or education,

No desire, no love, and no ultimate motivation.

The Boatman and the Winds

The winds, they ask the boatman,

How much will he take to take them across,

The great river that flows through his land,

To the lands beyond these fields and this rain,

To the lands of neighbours and those who live far away.

To the cities and nations dying,

To deserts and forests sighing,

To shores where there is no laughter,

And through doors of people,

Who grieve and are crying.

The winds, they ask the boatman,

How he drowns out all the noise,

Of tragedy and all this pain,

And glides along the river,

When the universe and all life are for vain.

How he keeps faith inspite of this pollution

Of the minds that has permeated the mighty river,

How he sticks his oar in the filthy waters everyday,

To carry miserable people not wanting to return

To lives that make the deepest levels of hell shiver.

The winds, they all despair,

Each year for change they bring fresh air,

But all they find is destructiveness and doom,

And the pure monsoon clouds they bring

Only rain down blood in this living tomb.

Why bother anymore, why continue?

What use is air when no one wants to breathe?

What use is change if all you ever get is grief?

Corpses of little children decorating the streets,

The delicate glass houses of their dreams,

Shattered by their own screams.

The boatman just paddles,

Pushing his boat onwards to other shores,

He just smiles, thinking about his many chores,

What was it to him if miserable people died?

Why should it matter if everyday to himself he lied?

He could see his land wither and die,

He could see his love, his river, wash away the rot,

He wasn't deaf to the crying, not impervious to the fear,

And as much as he tried to pretend,

He knew this land, to him, was dear.

The boatman, he just felt the winds against his ears,

Whispering their admonishments, their helplessness, their misgivings,

And as reply he just sings the songs of hope,

The songs he used to hear his father sing,

Songs of the time when the river and the land did elope.

And in the song, the winds heard defiance,

A simple refusal against the destiny he had to cope,

The boatman would ferry people to their shores,

He would bring them to their destinations,

All the while hoping they brought hope.

The boatman sang louder, willing everyone to hear,

Willing them to rise up and join the chorus,

The land was paralysed, it had to be shaken out of it's trance,

He would do his hardest to deny the end,

No complaining and no acceptance.

The winds joined the boatman in one voice,

Singing the song of the land, of hope,

The storms would end, the sun would rise,

And until this endless night of despair came to an end,

They would persevere inspite of all the false dawns and cries.

Abbotabad Blues

In the city of Abbotabad,

The US killed a man called Osama,

A bit of a bastard he was,

But his death caused too much drama.

The Al-Qaeda will not vanish,

Like a damn magic trick,

And the rhetoric arguing otherwise,

Only just makes you sick,

This wasn't even a won battle,

Let alone the terror war,

Don't they realise a little ointment

Does not cover a global scar?

And so the idiots justify,

Ten years of bloodied Afghan and Iraqi soil,

Try and convince us that the thousands lost,

Were not for a few drops of oil.

As if one life was worth,

The thousands of innocents killed,

As if this would make us forget,

The lies told and the coffins filled.

They celebrate it as victory,

Not realising it is so hollow,

Their actions will bite back,

Their poisoned fruits they'll have to swallow.

Because the world is fucked up,

More now than ever before,

And in bringing it to this place,

The 'Allies' too have a pretty good score.

And so they dance,

Laugh and sing on the street,

Unaware or perhaps ignoring,

The quicksand still beneath their feet.

When I See You

When I see you,

I am just happiness,

I am clean, I am pure,

And for that one moment I endure,

Truly, in a way that feels right,

In a way that is as it always should be,

In a way that robs me of all fight,

Free, hopeful, needy, and still in your might.

When I see you,

I am like a kite,

I am boundless and I soar,

And for that one moment I am more,

More than just paper held back by strings,

Destined to fall or be cut down,

In that one moment, my soul has wings,

From no worth, in the air I am the king of kings.

When I see you,

For that fleeting moment I conquer,

I conquer peace, war, the living and death,

I condemn everything alive and I treasure every breath.

I give rise to empires, and I kill giants,

I become your Hercules, your saviour, your hero,

Rise higher than an emperor, Fight villains and tyrants,

To die at your lightest touch, the smallest, weakest of ants.

When I see you,

I forget my place in the world,

I forget that I have duties and you’re not my right,

I forget that I have limitations the moment you are at sight.

I forget that you are not of my world,

That I cannot love an illusion,

I forget every law, every tradition, every notion,

I can only remember to love you, my love, my only devotion.

Because I wanted to post something. No other reason. A bit stupid, yes I know.

The End

Waiting for the world to end,
Because I've realised only then can I start.
Because I'm too afraid, too much of a coward,
I've made my back strong, strong enough to carry the weight of routine,
But crippled it, made it sterile so that wings may never sprout,

I realise now, there are no expectations, no compulsions,
There is only conviction, and in it's absence cowardice.

My excuses have started to fade away inside my own mind,
I can't even deceive myself anymore, just disgust.
Rendered helpless by my own hands, constructing this coagulated existence,
Time flying by me, as I am held back by my own denial,
Denial of time, denial of opportunity, denial of my own deep cravings.

Waiting for the world to end,
Because I've started to lose hope there will be a beginning,
Because atleast then, there will be a reason to my soul's coma,
Atleast then perhaps I'll learn to accept the chains I've tied to my own feet,
Atleast then I will die a humane death,
My dreams no longer screaming out from the pain of submission,
My soul euthanised.

Came on me all of a sudden, urge, craving to write something like this, and it came out as it is, word by word, slowly. I haven't even re-read it, so don't know how it is. Only that I broke my self imposed ban on the blog to post this, because I could not hold back.

Never Happy

Do you hover over us or sit on our head

Since the first day of our lives, helpless and small?

Are you gravity, the weight of the world over us?

Melding us with this earth, holding our necks down,

Making us crawl.

Do you appear just before that moment?

Because you're strangely absent afterwards in the void,

And long before that moment, we only feel your presence for perspective,

While passing judgment on a life lived, faces seen,

Destinies toyed.

Why do you need to pave your way with misery?

Why not just come and go, without regrets, without pain?

Do you feel the need sometimes to feel welcome?

Do you feel the need sometimes to not be cursed at,

To not be despised, not be resented by the sane?

Do you always feel the need to enter a home,

Through the broad roads of despair, not happiness

And it's narrow lane?

Do you like this ambiguity of being the saviour and the villain?

Do you like to see people suffer or do you like to see them enraged?

Do you like to give the illusion of deliverance?

Do you like to stoke the embers of their rage?

Do you like to break down ruthlessly every vestige of defiance?

Do you like the way you release the hurricanes of the human mind,

Uncontrolled, unbridled out of their cage?

Perhaps you know you'll always be despised, always resented,

And so you revel in your excesses, your injustices, sickening.

Perhaps you hate us as much as we do you,

Try and assert your ultimate superiority,

With happiness receding and wills weakening.

As yet you've failed, but perhaps you'll succeed,

But the war can only be won by me,

Because when you succeed, you'll long since have appeared,

And you'll still be despised with all my being,

With a relief and a rage as big as the sea.

Incoherence

I see absurdities and confusion all around me,
But the slapstick of life fails to make me laugh,
All around me people thirst for mercy,
But they don't know where to go, whom to ask,
Because everyone else is waiting for deliverance as well,
So misery pervades, no rain to wash it away,
No sun to dry it off and bask.

Portents of pleasure misguide and humiliate,
They are but sadistic and cruel jokes,
That get played out in this world every moment, Bait
For guilty and innocent alike, deceits and hoax,
Reasoning with the mind that it does not need reason,
That the crutches of delusion and blind faith are enough,
To tide over every hour, every day, every season.

I see people supporting leaders that will destroy them,
Parents praying to a God who is killing their children,
Disasters laughed away as something to balance the world,
Murders overlooked as some perverse test of faith,
Until we all just look away and turn blind, even those who don't believe,
Until the mind is reduced to a memory, a ghost, a wraith.

Why doesn't anyone see? Why can't they hear?
Perhaps reality is blindingly stark and the bedlam of misery too loud,
Perhaps we choose to see and hear what does not hurt us,
Perhaps we choose to be emasculated by ourselves,
Perhaps we choose to take comfort in the history books,
Forgetting the same gutless people live in library shelves.

How do you sympathise with murderers and not innocents?
How do you even try to justify their acts?
Does sharing the same religion alleviate the horror?
Does sharing the same race change any of the facts?
The rot has grown so deep inside your beings you aren't even aware
How red floods of guilt flow out of your cataracts.

We choose the problem though the solution is in reach,
It's pulling us, getting closer to us everyday,
But we push it away, take the mandatory two steps back,
Back to the life we've gotten used to, where we have no say,
Back to being puppets of invisible imaginary strings,
Revelling in our problems, ugly orgies where we surrender and we pray.

Less poem, more ramblings of a mind which is currently a bit disturbed and irritated by the world at large.

Haze

I see you through the haze,
Every moment of every eternity,
For everything else my sight fails,
But you grow clearer,
Luminescent, afire, a shower of hails.

You put the fog around you on fire,
Burning, brilliant, scorching the air,
I sit here in dreams and fantasies,
Of dark mornings and dense forests of your hair,
Silent, scared and enraptured, I'm lost,
I should leave, wake up, but I don't dare.

You bring chaos with your presence,
Riots start with every breath you take,
But calmness decorates your forehead, placid,
I'm getting sucked in, no matter how much I fake.

Let me go, release me from the stranglehold
Of your eyes that choke me through the smoke,
Your face clear, every detail lucid, bold,
Drowned in your aura, I'm destitute, I'm broke.

Your visions have become more vivid than reality,
A terrific beautiful hell of pristine destruction and flawless pain,
Tempting me away from my scattered, rotting heaven,
Of occupations and aspirations, overwhelming loss and gain,
Highlighting how bleak, my existence, how odd, how even.

And as the haze descends, I'm helpless in it's embrace,
Demented, senile, tormented by the motions,
That rack my brains, leaving me in a daze,
Petrified, enamoured with you, my devotions,
Where I stand, in despair weeping, my Lady of the Haze.

Almost entirely a result of how mind-numbingly boring I find Signals and Systems classes...

Light

I saw you gazing at the sky yesterday,
And I thought "what does she see?",
In the black clouds and the drops of rain,
That touch your face and scatter, disappear,
And I realised I thought, I thought in vain.

Because I realised, I realised I did not want to know,
As I saw your face light up the dark clouds,
I found out the meaning of a silver lining,
So clear, so apparent, so obvious, so true,
The silver lining is your smile, shining.

You saw me transfixed, and you blinked,
Your smile wavered for a second, I weaken,
Thirsty, needy, desperate, my eyes plead,
And you comply, and light floods,
And I realise, I realise that is all I need.

So I gaze,
So you smile
And the raindrops,
They touch, scatter,
Disappear.

For the warmongers

When you ask me for a drop of blood,
I cannot give it because the blood is not mine.
The river's are red enough without it, overflowing,
Stop and consider the consequence, look at the sign.

When you ask me for a head,
I cannot give it because I refuse to lose,
To them, forcing on us grief, misery and death,
Or to you, trying to do the same, that's what you choose,

When you ask me to kill,
You ask too much of me,
A life taken is another life lost,
Your rage blinds you, you cannot see,

That when you ask me to die,
For you, I will always refuse,
You don't have the authority, and nor do I,
To play with life, decide it's dues.

And when you ask for vengeance,
Who is it against and what?
You'll never hurt those responsible,
Always those who are not.

And when you ask for sacrifice,
You forget that you don't have the right,
You'll stay back and stay safe,
And from your ivory tower, you'll send others to fight.

When we ask for sanity,
Will you listen to conscience and reason,
Or will you go and do the same as them,
Make more people watch their last rise of the sun.

When we ask for help,
Can you listen to us over the overpowering noise, this bedlam
Of rage, of rhetoric, of lies, of hatefulness,
Created by merchants of death, in their murders calm

And when they finally ask for forgiveness,
Will you have the choice to not give it?
Or will you choose to turn into them,
Blinded, damned, covered in blood, covered in shit.

Dear Zara...

Dear Zara, I am sorry I killed you,
I apologise for the agony and the injustice,
I did it because of a reason I can't remember,
Reasons that were important once, a time for which I wish.

When the lives of others didn't seem so important,
So weak, fragile, vulnerable, precious, unique,
That slips away from a bullet like sand from my closed fist,
Your open vacant eyes make me forget my convictions, my certainties,
Make me doubt all the answers I seek.

Why did you have to come in my path?
I was sure in my sedation, happy in my misconception,
Content in my hatred, satisfied in my lust for blood and death,
Determined, driven, clear in my eyes, red in my vision,

And I believed what I heard, without question,
Without demand, without complaints or doubts,
Breathing in death, breathing out bullets from my gun,
Taking in orders, carrying out executions amidst screams and shouts.

Until you came in that day, one moment that changed the game,
Until the moment when you walked in through the door,
Until then I killed you and others in cold blood, no remorse, no shame,
Until I saw your pretty eyes.... why couldn't you wait a moment more?

Wait now, wait just a moment more,
Wait till I pass, wait till I go, wait till I die,
Wait and watch the clouds, listen to old stories and lore,
Wait just a second more and grow up and live, smile, laugh, cry,

I've tried and I've wished and I've screamed and I've prayed,
But I could not roll back time, could not stop you, could not hold you back
Just that one moment and an eternity, for that moment any price I'd have paid,
Paid with everything I have and everything I lack.

Dear Zara, speak to me with your sweet sweet voice,
Sing songs of love, freedom, happiness, hope,
And dance to them, so graceful, so pretty, with such poise,
And smile, and laugh, and love, till none can cope,

Spread your innocence, spread your naivete,
Share your jokes, your anecdotes, your story,
Travel the world, see the sights, talk to people, greet, meet
Love your life, be safe, be right, be wrong, be sorry.

And find a man that will love you,
And find a cause that you believe in,
Find successes to celebrate and failures to rue,
Reduce your loads, expand your kin,

Get married, give birth to children, a boy and a girl,
Raise them up far away from all this hatred and pain,
Give them hope, give them reason, give their ideas space to unfurl,
Keep them free, keep them safe, most of all keep them sane,

Far away from this madness, these unholy red waters of blood,
Far away from people like me, far far away from us,
Far away from this place, our land, our dirt, our mud,
Our rivers, our lakes, our mountains, our trees, our people, far far away from us.

Dear Zara, you will never hear me, and I'm thankful for that,
My pitiful voice, with these pathetic words,
My screams and my ravings, from where you lie, where you're sat,
I can't get through to you, not my entreaties, and it hurts.

And it hurts me more than a bullet ever could,
It hurts so much more than my beliefs could cure me,

It hurts so much I can't cry, and I don't know if I should
Feel your pain, hear, taste, touch, see.

And I failed, I failed so bad, I failed forever,
I failed in life, in death, couldn't give you life, nor kill myself,
I failed in ideas, in belief, in faith and it's over,
I failed you Zara, I killed you, I failed myself.

And you shattrered my thoughts and my life,
You shattered my mind and my heart,
You shattrered me to pieces, cut me up with a knife,
You shattered my life, you shattered my religion, and I'll never again start.

And it hurts and I failed and I'm shattered,
And I know if you knew, you still would be sad,

Sad that I'm hurt, I failed, I shattered,
But you don't, and that is happiness more than everything I ever had.

Dear Zara, only you can heal me, but don't,
I don't deserve to be healed by your sacred hands,
The guilt and the blame will remain and I won't,
I won't ever let myself escape these sands,

These sands of my hatred and sins,
These sands of the souls that I've destroyed, decimated,
These sands that are sucking my blood away by poking me with a million pins,
These sands where I'm stranded, I'm stuck, I'm cremated,


These sands where I'm lost, where I call out to you, in this desert,
This barren, lifeless land, stranded on this Sahara,
Where I will die everyday, each pin piercing my heart,
Forever calling out to you, beautiful, sweet, innocent, Dear Zara...

Introspection on recent events

I'll try and stay as I am, stay awake,
But it's hard, it's hard to go on,
When you know there's nothing to fall back on, no other road to take,
Nothing to push me but desperation, I'm repulsed more than I am drawn.

So, will you save me from this,
My hell, where I feel fear,
So acute, so painful, so oppressive, so visceral,
Help me, for I am still rudderless, help me steer.

Because I drift on the open seas,
Like a nomad, who travels because he likes to,
Not because he has to for his woman or his children or kin,
But maybe all that has changed now, changed for the better, changed for true.

Then why does it not feel like it should feel,
Why does it not feel true, feel safe, feel strong,
And yet there does not seem like anything is wrong,
Everywhere, everyone, dancing to the same beats, singing the same song

Or is that the reason, and am I too much of a rebel?
Or am I clear, like so many aren't, like so many believe,
Like so many robots, so many assembly piece products,
Churned out everyday, everywhere, in front of everyone, like it's all falling out,
Like there's a huge gaping hole in the sieve.

And every one falling in the same place, doing the same thing,
Having the same life, marrying the same wife,
spanking the same children, ignoring the same parents,
coveting the same fantasies, suffering the same strife,

Order, even in the most disordered life,
Conformation, in the most free-flowing souls, souls almost impossible to breach
Because everyone has a plan, and eveyone follows it,
And the one's who don't are rare, and put down,
Or raised to a pedestal that no one realistically aspires to reach.

Forgive me my little preachings,
I know they are pretentious and arrogant,
And I know a lot of, make that almost all, of what I say is non-sense
So don't heed my words, I'm a bit bitter, and I am a bit tired,
Rest assured, even if you have read this, nothing I say is sacrosanct.