Monday, November 25, 2013

Between Shadow And Soul

He looked at her eyes. They looked back at him. She was smiling. He could feel a sudden calm, an unrestrained happiness somewhere deep inside and seeping deeper still with every second. She had said yes. He could smell the bad coffee and fried patty from the cafeteria kitchen mixed with her strange flowery perfume. He could hear the noise from the crowd around him and her soft smile and his own. Every second went like an hour, but still time seemed in a hurry. He lifted his trembling hands, reached out to her face...

But he couldn’t reach her. As much as he tried, as much force as he put into it, she was always just beyond reach, something pinning him down, keeping him away. He tried and he tried, sweat beading down his face from the effort, but now he’s pushed back, back until finally he falls down an abyss.

He wakes up. The nightmares come, vivid as ever, every detail lucid, making him live out that day again and again. She was just a memory now, but still one that tormented him daily. The perfect moment being the perfect nightmare, every day a realisation of what he does not have, every day a dirge of what could have been.

He gets up, puts on a jacket, puts on his slippers, takes the scooty keys from the rack, leaves home till morning, until it was time again to go to work. He couldn’t sleep anymore. He wouldn’t. But he needed coffee and noise to drown out the sleep and the restlessness. He had learnt to live with the pain until it was just a numb buzzing in the background, like an irritating fly he could not kill or shoo away. The restlessness was a different matter. It nagged and it nagged until he could not sit still, or do any one thing for any time. It always felt like a train leaving without him, like time were flowing away just fast enough for him not to catch up. Like he had reached out for her face with his trembling hands.

He parks the scooty just beside the cafe entrance. It was one of those places that were open all night to cater to midnight shift IT employees, restless college students and sometimes even high class pimps finalising the details with potential clients, sometimes with the merchandise in tow. He sits at an empty lonely corner table, perhaps not the most extravagant but certainly their most regular customer. He’s served coffee within minutes, the waiter knowing what to bring, no questions asked, no small talk. He takes a whiff of the strong bitter-sweet black liquid in his cup, takes a sip, sits back and closes his eyes, listening to the noise of the cafe that never made any sense.

He looked at her eyes. She looked back at him. She smiled, he never wanted to look away, the happiness was so complete, so much a part of him. She had said yes. He felt the smooth finish of the table against his palm. He saw the colour of her t-shirt, so perfectly green, saw the small black marks on her face that she tried to hide with make-up. They were beautiful, he wanted her to know that. He gathers up the courage, lifts his hand and reaches out to her face...

He is startled awake by the nightmare, immediately thankful that he hadn’t cried out. Sweating profusely even in the late night chill, even feeling a tear run down his left cheek. He was annoyed at himself for falling asleep, but he was so tired. Almost no one had taken notice except the waiter, who gave him a strange look and then left to get him more coffee, even stronger this time. It happened rarely, but wasn’t the first time he’d fallen asleep and suddenly leapt awake.

He drinks the second cup of coffee in one gulp, orders another one with a glance. Tragedies, poets and movies would have you believe alcohol and other intoxicants make you forget, make the pain go away. They don’t, they magnify the pain. And even when they bring numbness, it is momentary, just a brief lull. When the pain returns, it feels worse than it was before. The trick to surviving is getting used to it, making the pain a part of life, a dull noise. That’s why he preferred coffee, coffee kept him awake, it kept him aware. It did not create illusions. More importantly, it did not lead him to nightmares.

And that is what he did. He survived. From one day to the next. He drinks the third cup, leaves money on the table, glances at the waiter to let him know he was done for now. The air is cold in the open, he’s shivering before he reaches his parked scooty. Zipping up his jacket as high as it would go, he takes the longer, more crowded, and hence warmer, road back home. The air, though still cool, did not prick him like needles, conditioned as it was by the buildings, flyovers and numerous other concrete behemoths under construction. He could feel it making his hair fly back, cool against his ears, a soothing buzz.

He looked at her eyes. They looked back at him. Her smile lit them up, a few milliseconds after they lit up what could only be categorised as his soul. She had said yes. He could feel himself smiling too, like an idiot perhaps. He didn’t care. That constant nervousness, that constant feeling of euphoria mixed with doom had been put aside for now by relief. She thought him good enough, even though he knew he never would. He would take every inch she gave and turn it into a mile, every little gesture of hers would be his epic love ballad. He felt his own determination and saw her lowering her gaze a little, the gesture he was waiting for. He needed to make her look at his eyes again. His hands reach out to her face...

He’s heading straight for the divider between a flyover and the road going below it. He makes a sharp left to avoid crashing into it. His rear tire skids from the stress the turn puts on it, making his front tire wobble and he loses control, while a truck comes in on his blindside. He watches in great detail the last two seconds before the truck mauls him over. He sees the face of the driver, a slightly late reaction of horror. He was probably drunk or fell asleep at the wheel like he did. He notices the blank empty stretch of road just two feet away where he’d have been safe. He notices the divider on the other side, and realises crashing into it would only have caused minor injuries. He looks at the truck’s windscreen, ‘God Loves You’ and ‘Jesus Our Saviour’, written in a flowing gothic script. He sees the skid marks his rear tire made on the road, sees that the visor in his scooty has a minuscule chip of glass missing, something he had never noticed before. He reads the numberplate, ‘KL03AC1425’. He looks at the headlights, blinding.

The pain came gradually. He had a thought that he should feel scared, but all he felt was a slight anger and a great disappointment. He figured in a less fatal situation, he would be feeling bemused by his own foolishness. This was a stupid and petty way to die after all the hours, days, years he had spent surviving. Among all the other regrets that he already had, he added one more in his last moments, that he could not survive another day. And then all thoughts were washed away by the pain. It drowned him.

He looked at her eyes. She looked back at him. She smiled and there was nothing else other than that in the world. She had said yes. He felt her there, just a foot away, but for the first time he felt fear. Fear that she would be gone the minute he tried to touch her, or talk to her, or in any way change this moment they were in. Fear that this was just a nightmare that would come to him every day, a nightmare that he lived every second of his life. He wanted to be there, static, unmoving for the rest of his life. But he couldn’t. She was just there. He raises his hands, fear and apprehension flowing through his arteries, reaches out to her face...


He feels her face on his palm.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Amare

I’ll find you,
In storms,
Where the world is simple,
Rain cleaning away my hesitation,
Thunder scaring away my fears,
And the lightning illuminating my love.

I’ll find you,
In oceans,
Where life is clear,
Waves bearing us up, on their arms,
Winds blowing away doubts in all directions,
The vast solitude bringing you close.

I’ll find you,
In deserts,
Where every word is truth,
Sands scorching through my insecurities,
The sun burning my eyes with your light,
The thirst making me realise what I want.

I'll find you,
In mountains,
Where everything is visible,
Thin air choking the words out,
Cold bridging through the distances between us,
Leaves carpeting every step you take.

I'll find you,
In time,
Where everything is in it's right place,
You standing right there,
I look up to see you beside me,
I hold on to you, and never let go. 

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Meet me in Montauk

I wish I could forget you,
As easily as you forgot me,
And clean up every last drop,
And memory of your being.
Throw away the moments,
And wipe away the heartbeats,
Wash away the colours,
And all the prints of your feet.

I wish we had never met,
And so I would never know you,
Nor would I know the pain,
Of the blankness of your eyes.
The way you just ignore me,
The way you just dismiss,
The way you run over my love,
And not even know you kill.

I will erase you,
As completely as you erased me,
I will forget you,
As you really have forgotten me.
The songs will all fade out,
And the roses wither away,
The pages of my sketchbook torn out,
Forget everything we ever said.

But still a part of you remains,
That I cannot remove,
A part of you stays,
And it will never move.
It calls out to me,
In abandoned houses we leave,
It whispers as everything else is blocked,
It says to me, “Meet me in Montauk”.

So I will meet you again for the first time,
In the white sands and rainy beaches,
We’ll lie down together in icy lakes,
Look up at the stars and make up their names,
And if you’re afraid how different would it be,
When it comes to it, I know you’ll see,
You will whisper to me when everything else is blocked,
Will forever say to me, “Meet me in Montauk”.



A sort of tribute to the film, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

For you

Only for you,
I climb onto the sun,
And make every ray just a bit more pretty,
As it shines for you,
Only for you.

Only for you,
I hold onto the clouds,
And squeeze out every drop of happiness inside,
And make them fall for you,
Only for you.

Only for you,
I argue with sounds,
And bargain for every one of them to be your melody,
As music flows for you,
Only for you.

Only for you,
I pray to your gods,
And wish to have faith in whatever you do,
As I believe for you,
Only for you.

Only for you,
I read about the past,
And fight for a future all of our own,
As time adjusts itself for you,
Only for you.

Only for you,
I look at the world,
And realise the darkness that it is saved from,
As light shines for you,
Only for you.

Only for you,
I live my life,
And take every breath to breathe in your scent,
As I exist for you,
Only for you.



My first post and completed poem (well if you could call it that) after I got my first job. Inspired in part by the really beautiful lyrics to Tere Liye by Gulzar (even though this isn't fit to lick the boots of that song, just seemed wrong if I didn't give credit)

Friday, February 3, 2012

Whispers I

How is it that I have so much to say to you,
And no way to say it once I see you?
How is it that my eyes search for you everywhere,
But when they find you they're unable to stare?
How is it that you are so beautiful to me,
And this I can never truly make you see?
How are you so intelligent and perceptive,
Yet so oblivious and ignorant to how I feel?



I have reached a nadir, I think. Of just posting anything that comes to mind. But meh.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Shallow Gods

The story of this world, this life,
Can be told and explained in a few simple lines,
The day you're born, they make you sign,
"What's yours is mine, what's mine is mine."

The rest of this farce plays out in one way,
It keeps getting clearer with each passing day,
It's pretty obvious, I do have to say,
Everyone is bloody selfish in their own bloody way,

It becomes your duty to do their jobs,
If you refuse, you'll drown in their sobs,
Hurtling to their quicksands of grievances,
Crucified by their one man mobs.

Gods of their own shallow worlds,
Their fiefdoms of false self worth and pride,
Be shameful heretic, if you think to fight,
Be grateful mortal when you're on their side.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

No Hard Feelings

Look at me once, look at me now,
Stop, smile, wait, and decide how,
How you feel about me,
How you want me to be,
I'll break every barrier, and swim every sea,
I'll change for you, no one to stop me, no force,
Whatever you decide, I'm yours, I'm yours, I'm yours,

I stayed up so many nights for you,
Wasting away in the dark, finding new things to do,
To get through your defences, these walls you've built around,
Your friends, your prejudices, your likes, your dislikes, your sight and sound,
For you I made myself better, without you I'm lost, one look and I'm found,
I wait on your every word, every move, every laugh , every sigh,
With every smile I die a thousand deaths, I die, I die.

And I knew
From the first smile, I knew
That I'll bow down to you,
And your tyrant eyes,
Make me laugh when they do,
Make me cry when they do,
I've become a slave to your eyes,
A puppet to your smile
I knew
From the first look and the first words,
I was over,
I was sentenced,
I was damned.

And when you refused, I was lost,
I met the wall I couldn't have crossed,
Everything so unimportant and bleak,
I can't have you, loneliness I seek,
And I wasted away in the dark for weeks,
But then I realize, maybe you're not worth the strife,
And I don't know if you know, but I'll survive, I'll survive.